Twelfth man.

If you hear Richie Benaud, Tony Grieg, Bill Lawry a lot you will get this.

The Twelfth Man is the name for a series of comedy productions by Australian satirist Billy Birmingham. Hez a skilled impersonator, is generally known for parodying Australian sports commentator's voices. As befits the name (a reference to the non-playing reserve in a cricket side), Birmingham particularly focuses oncricket commentators. This is also due to the fact that many of Australia's cricket commentators have distinctive and easily-identifiable voices and accents.

The commentators (and their respective characters) in Twelfth Man recordings include:

• Richie Benaud - the almost tyrannical Commentary Team Captain, with a penchant for "Cream, bone, ivory, white, off-white or beige" jackets and order within his team
• Tony Greig - a balding South African-accented (so heavily that he borders on incomprehensible at times) commentator
• Bill Lawry - Tony's nemesis, a man with an unusually large nose (as a result of a childhood bout with "proboscitis") and an abiding and one-eyed love of the state of Victoria, leg-spinner Shane Warne and Australia (which he pronounces "Straya")
• Ian Chappell - a very laid-back man who is incapable of saying a sentence without the word "um" or "ah"
• Simon O'Donnell - a deep-voiced commentator with a similar problem to that of Chappell
• Mark Taylor - a younger commentator who speaks very rapidly and uses a lot of jargon

The increasing number of new camera angles and indicators of conditions in televised cricket is also parodied, with Greig's pitch reports often talking about "Crack Cam" (a camera physically placed within a crack in the pitch) and the "Scrotometer" (a microphone, temperature and sweat gauge attached to the scrotum of the batsman).

There are also a number of running jokes in the series, often referenced in lines delivered by one or more characters. Many of these have become cult lines among fans of the series. Lawry, for example, often argues with Greig during their commentary and punctuates wickets with the line "He's gone! Yes! Got him! Stick that up your arse Tony Greig!" (a reference to Lawry's real-life line "Got him! Yes! Gone!"). Greig, on the other hand, is well-known for his comment (in both recordings and real life) that a ball has been hit "right off the meat of the bat". In one recording, Benaud informs him that this statement is becoming a stereotype, giving rise to alternative versions such as "Right off the meat...spot...that's the middle of the sweet spot" and "Right off the mmmmiddle of the bat - I didn't say 'meat'".

By God.

Eden Gardens, 1999

Scene: India had just lost a batsman, perhaps Rahul Dravid. I felt India were batting well. They had seen off Akram and Co. quite well. Plus the Indian team was fresh from having defeated the Pakistanis, days earlier at Feroz Shah Kotla stadium, where Kumble had taken 10 wickets in an innings. So, in came Tendulkar , cameras focussing on him, to a huge roar from the fans.
By the way if you haven't ever witnessed the reception Tendulkar gets in Eden Gardens, be sure to witness it personally once before you die. I can tell you its worth billion and billions of dollars..as the ad says, there are some things money cant buy..really it just can't.

Coming back to the scene, my TV was mute, I thought Tendulkar's gonna blast this fellow away. Really was not interested, I mean this was to be expected from Tendulkar. But moments later what I saw, still psyches me out. It instilled a fear so deep down in my conscious that I still pray like mad when Akhtar bowls to India. I was just not prepared for it...didnt have the capacity to imagine it...or maybe Tendulkar never gave me reasons to, before that delivery. That was a snorter of a delivery. It was like a laser guided bullet. The ball, a yorker, travelled at approximately 150 kmph, mid air it swinged slightly from off stump line to middle stump and hit the feet of the middle stump, which cart-wheeled and landed miles away from its orignal position. Tendulkar, bowled first ball and that too his middle stump, which is uprooted.

I cant tell the shock waves it sent around the stadium and I personally felt it in my body. I was stunned, the crowd was stunned. It was pin drop silence in Eden Gardens. I mean who was Shoiab Akhtar then, and he was bowling to arguably the gratest batsman ever. A shiver ran through my body and that one delivery for me destroyed the air of invulnerability about Tendulkar. That one delivery, I think went a long way in making the Pakistan team the favourites for the world cup which was to be held later that year. Ofcourse it hit our moral so badly, that Pakistan remained undefeated in the rest of the series.

Why is Cricket special?

I dont think there is another sport where individuality is so woven in a team effort. On the pitch its a battle between two individuals, that is what everything is focussed on yet two teams are on war. There are eleven guys after one man, it dont get more brutal than this, yet that one guy has been given the power if he knows how to yield it, to overcome them all. And in mythological stories, in films who has got this magical gift...the hero.

The bowler too may be extraordinary but if the fielder is ordinary, the batsman is on top. The bowler may be just above average but the fielder is exemplary, the batsman is on stress. Yet the bowler can, if he wants, ignore them all and produce that magical one. The one you thought was turning right but turned left or you thought was swinging in but held its line or it was a yorker only that it was a toe crushing one and at the last second it decided to swing and uproot the leg stump.

Its like two people are having an argument, which in its observation itself is beautiful and each knows ten other guys are there to back either of them. Talk about team effort. All ten guys are there to win the war but sometimes the battles are so epic that we remmember them and forget the war.

As if fighting off eleven men were not enough, you have got to fight individual demons at every instant. The team is coasting to victory, all demons are slayed. But hey you forgot you are 99 n0. Demons of your own making are born. Suddenly the straight ball starts moving in the air. The ball which looked so big earlier that it could be spotted when you hit it miles up in the air for a six, now suddenly is the size of a pin head. Suddenly you find edges in the middle of the bat. And before you know it you have edged one to the keeper. And hey the demon is not gone. It props up in your dreams, in your memories when you hold the bat again and before you know it you are out of form.

Or if you are a bowler you have bowled nine overs for a meagre 30 runs and taken three wickets, including the prized scalp of the best opposition batsman. Its the last over the opposition needs six runs to win and its the tailender on strike.The captain confidently tosses the ball to you. You test the tailender but surprisingly he has the answer. You wonder if you should try your most lethal delivery the next time. So you do, but the tailender whacks it for a two. The demon appears again and before you know it the ball slipped from you and it was a wide one. You are tensed now that you are loosing the game for the team, you are enraged that the tail ender is showing scant respect to your abilities and there you have it. The monster has overcome you, you bowled a short one and its been smacked for four. You still have good figures, infact you got the team to that winning position but now you are the one who is being hunted and hunted down.

This is just tremendous. And the purest way to watch it is test cricket.

Yeh Hai Cricket

Cricket is a complex sport, so say some. It has been quoted in encyclopedias that it is the most complicated game in the world due to the fact that there are so many variable playing conditions that can affect the game.

I feel its a beautiful game. It is a game about an honest bat meeting a hardworking ball. Among all sports none can bring about the character and the spirit of humans in as exemplery a fashion as does cricket.

I am in love with it, and this blog is my way of showing that love.

Let me say that I am poor at its technical aspects, flawed in its analysis, short on its facts and dark on its statistics. So this blog is not that of a guru. Its about an eccentric who romances a game he watches on the tube.